Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, we move to Gloucester. Yay! After what feels like months and months, but is actually more like 2 months, we can finally move down there.

I'll be staying at Selly Oak Hospital though. Far too much hassle to move clinics. Although I might have a sniff around at Gloucester to see what their feelings on pumps are.

Sugars on the whole over the past few days seem to be: wake up low, stay high for rest of day. Even with corrections (which I know I'm not supposed to do after a hypo).

I've dropped my basal from 30 to 26 in like...a week? But I'm still waking up low? I think I might be going round in circles - high at night, so I correct, then wake up low. A couple of nights ago I tried to get around this but undercorrected (2u instead of 3) - but still woke up at 2.7.

Oh bring on this week when I actually have some routine.

New kitties are settling in fine! <3 they are lovely.

stats?

can anyone tell me how to view my blog stats, so i can see how many people have read it and stuff?

the cold; i feels it!

so normally, i don't wear much in bed. sorry if that's tmi, but it's relevant to what i'm going to say. my partner Dave is one of these people who is constantly hot, and wears tshirts in winter. so if i wore full on pjs (which i love doing...) we'd both overheat and frazzle (he would love to sleep with the window open all year round).

anyway.

the past few nights, it has been SO COLD. i've been donning my full length pj bottoms, tshirt and socks with complaint from dave!

becky posted a couple of days ago about the cold and mannnn am i feeling it. my feet especially! why the sudden temp drop, eh??

food.

i wanted to talk a bit about my relationship with food.

i have a relatively healthy superficial relationship with food. i eat fairly well. my weight would argue that i eat too much.

but it's that deeper, lifelong relationship with food that gets me, as a type 1.

when i was younger, and the advice was generally 'don't eat sugary things', i dodged things like cakes, biscuits, sweets - anything like that - like they were the plague (or rather - my parents did this on my behalf). in fact, part of me just knew that i couldn't have those foods - so i didn't even think about it. i didn't miss them or crave them or want them. well of course sometimes i would want sweet things, like any child does. but being as i was diagnosed young enough not to remember not being diabetic, i just brushed it all off.

since i went onto Multiple Daily Injections, i have been introduced to a new world of food. for the first time i have been able to eat CAKE when i WANTED to. i could even miss breakfast if i wanted! i could eat whatever i wanted, when i wanted. i was no longer stuck to 3 main meals and 3 snacks.

since then, my weight has shot up, my hba1c has gone through the roof, and i constantly feel that i am fighting this damn condition. i will win it - i'm just going through the rounds.

BUT - i want to tell you about my relationship with food.

i try to enjoy my food. most of the time, i do. but the overwhelming thing i have when i'm eating is, "how many carbs are in this? what type of carbs are they? should i inject straight away or am i okay to leave it until i finish?"

basically, my mind is never on the food, it's on the carbs. if i eat a meal that's laden with carbs, i feel guilty and full of dread, knowing i will be battling with my levels later on. i hate guessing the carbs in food. i hate THINKING about the carbs in food. i have found that if i know exactly what i'm eating, i can inject before i start eating and then just forget about it. i do this as often as i can - but sometimes, especially with things i can 'pick' at (my mother's buffet style meals, for example!) that's just not practical. i feel like every time i even look at something, i am subconciously counting the carbs.

sometimes part of me goes 'oh just fuck it, i'll eat whatever i want'. ha. that's when later, i find myself high. not a good move.

i'm getting a bit tired of the guess work. i'm getting tired of eating the same things, injecting the right amount, and ending up with wacky levels later on.

it is just so FRUSTRATING feeling like all the time, i'm getting it wrong, and i'm trying so hard. i am keeping my DAFNE diary and i am writing everything down and i am still getting it WRONG.

there are good days and there are bad days and most of the time at the moment i am having bad days. not necessarily with my mood or anything - just with the levels.

and when i'm high or low, i just *wish* there was another diabetic in the room, just so i didn't feel so alone. i love Dave and he is so sweet and patient, but he doesn't fully understand how it makes me feel. (side note: that is not saying i don't appreciate him, because like when i was low this morning, it was very comforting having him stroke my forehead when i was coming back up. he is wonderful and patient and always asks if he can do anything. and for that i am eternally grateful).

follow up appointment

to be honest there isn't a great deal to say about the follow up appointment; it was basically a 'keep doing what you're doing, oh and reduce your basal to 28 units'.

i was in there for an hour though?!

then i went into birmingham city centre and bought an amazing winter coat. i would post a pic but H&M don't actually have clothes on their website. but, it's deep red and long and yummy. annnnd, my mum paid for it :) which was very sweet of her.

#3, very overdue

ugh i know i should have updated sooner. i was just avoiding it.

so i went for my "pump" appointment 2 weeks ago. the nurse, Lisa, was nice but not someone i had met before. i explained how my hba1c was creeping up and up and how i'm finding it difficult to keep my numbers below...well, below 10. i explained how i was ill the week before which shot my numbers all over the place.

"you've done DAFNE haven't you Siobhan?"
"yes, in march 08"
"did you follow the DAFNE principals in treating sickness?"
*blank stare*

so...it seems that DAFNE has locked itself away in a box in my mind. sure, i do carb counting and ratios and all that jazz, but sick rules? exercise rules?

i need to point out that i took my partner, Dave, to the appointment with me. we live together and i am trying to get him as involved and as educated as i can. i am fortunate in that he is very supportive and will do anything he can to support me with this.

...anyway. it was after the blank stare that things in the room..changed. Lisa sighed and said, "I think we need to go back to DAFNE basics. you need to be doing x, y and z. you also need to do 1, 2 and 3." (eh forgive numbers and letters, it was 2 weeks ago)

so Dave jumps in with, "what does she need to do? i'll make her do it!"

i actually welled up because i felt very cornered. i obviously knew they were saying all of it for my own good, but i felt very small.

anyway, long story short, i got told we were not going to discuss pumps until i have had a proper hash at DAFNE. and i have been! i have been dutifully recording my sugars, how many CPs i had, how many units of insulin, etc.

i was completely baffled by a few things she said. mainly in regards to execise and how to treat lows/keep normal sugars during exercise. i think this is because i have been diabetic for so long, i have got into my own habits.

BUT: the one big thing that she's made me change (just until friday when my follow up appointment is) is NOT testing 2 hours after each meal. she said she wanted to get a clear picture of what my ratios are doing at the moment so she didn't want me testing and correcting. obv i am still testing if i feel low/feel high, but unless it is over 15 i am not correcting. i am also not recording the ones i do not correct.

however, this has left me feeling EXTREMELY uncomfortable and uneasy, not knowing what my sugars are doing. but, for the sake that it was a medical professional who told me not to, i am abiding by it.

i am really hoping this will help. i am hoping that going in there with 2 weeks of testing/insulin/food records will be beneficial.

update on friday after the next appointment!

quote of the day: my sister spilled her drink down her front. i called her an idiot (in a nice way!); she retorted with "well at least my pancreas works". i had to lol.

meter reviews by Shoot Up or Put Up

one of my favourite blogs, Shoot Up or Put Up (i have no idea how to link that), does reviews of meters (as i discovered today!).

please, please read this. the comments on it had me cracking up. i personally use a Freestyle Lite, which has a pretty good review on there ("But I’ve left the best for last – this is the first meter I’ve tested that actually passes the 4am hypo test because – wait for it – it has an internal LED that lights up the test strip! Halle-bloody-luiah! This simple addition allows you actually see where your blood is on your finger, instead of having to randomly stab the test strip around in the pitch dark").

http://www.shootuporputup.co.uk/category/general-reviews/meter-reviews/

i know i still owe a big post re: appointment with pump nurse. i'm just avoiding it, being as i found the whole thing pretty traumatic. ha.

okay!

by the time i have written this blog, i will have a video i can post :) it's uploading to youtube right now.

so. tomrrow i have an appointment with the diabetes/pump nurse. i have been looking at/reading about pumps for a while now, reading several blogs of pumpers, etc. and i'm pretty sure it's the direction i want to go in. (dave's first reaction: 'but what about when we have sex?!?!?!')

i have struggled to maintain a decent hba1c since i switched to MDIs.  it has rocketed, in fact, and keeps climbing despite my attempts to keep it down. i have done DAFNE and i try to stick to the principles of it. but i feel like right now diabetes is winning the battle, and i'm a sinking ship. or something.

i've also noticed that i am losing my hypo awareness, which scares me silly. i've been down to 2.7 and not felt it. weirdly it was only when i was coming back up that i felt low? odd.

i'm sure i'll have a nice big blog post for tomorrow after the appointment...for now:

second start!

right! okay. i got sick of looking at my old blog's name, so i've gone with this one.

it's named after one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite bands, Arcade Fire. the song is called 'No Cars Go' and i highly recommend it. the full lyric goes 'between the click of the light, and the start of the dream' and i looove the imagery from that. that little space between turning off the light and falling asleep. personally i love that little time space, it usually only takes me 5 or 10 minutes to conk out (unless me and Dave stay up talking or something) and i'm usually drifting in and out of sleep.

i'm going to try and be much more proactive with this blog. i have recorded my first vlog but this internet is so slow i think it's incapable of uploading a video to youtube or photobucket, i might have to do it when i go back home on thursday (but i will try in the mean time).

quick summary for first time readers: currently aged 21, living in the west midlands (stourbridge) about to move to gloucester, in a very happy relationship with my lovely boyfriend Dave, got a cat. etc. type 1 diabetic for over 18 years (19 in april). don't remember not being diabetic, therefore asking me what it's like to be diabetic is about as useful as asking a twin what it's like to be a twin (this is to be the subject of my first proper post, probably tomorrow).