food.

i wanted to talk a bit about my relationship with food.

i have a relatively healthy superficial relationship with food. i eat fairly well. my weight would argue that i eat too much.

but it's that deeper, lifelong relationship with food that gets me, as a type 1.

when i was younger, and the advice was generally 'don't eat sugary things', i dodged things like cakes, biscuits, sweets - anything like that - like they were the plague (or rather - my parents did this on my behalf). in fact, part of me just knew that i couldn't have those foods - so i didn't even think about it. i didn't miss them or crave them or want them. well of course sometimes i would want sweet things, like any child does. but being as i was diagnosed young enough not to remember not being diabetic, i just brushed it all off.

since i went onto Multiple Daily Injections, i have been introduced to a new world of food. for the first time i have been able to eat CAKE when i WANTED to. i could even miss breakfast if i wanted! i could eat whatever i wanted, when i wanted. i was no longer stuck to 3 main meals and 3 snacks.

since then, my weight has shot up, my hba1c has gone through the roof, and i constantly feel that i am fighting this damn condition. i will win it - i'm just going through the rounds.

BUT - i want to tell you about my relationship with food.

i try to enjoy my food. most of the time, i do. but the overwhelming thing i have when i'm eating is, "how many carbs are in this? what type of carbs are they? should i inject straight away or am i okay to leave it until i finish?"

basically, my mind is never on the food, it's on the carbs. if i eat a meal that's laden with carbs, i feel guilty and full of dread, knowing i will be battling with my levels later on. i hate guessing the carbs in food. i hate THINKING about the carbs in food. i have found that if i know exactly what i'm eating, i can inject before i start eating and then just forget about it. i do this as often as i can - but sometimes, especially with things i can 'pick' at (my mother's buffet style meals, for example!) that's just not practical. i feel like every time i even look at something, i am subconciously counting the carbs.

sometimes part of me goes 'oh just fuck it, i'll eat whatever i want'. ha. that's when later, i find myself high. not a good move.

i'm getting a bit tired of the guess work. i'm getting tired of eating the same things, injecting the right amount, and ending up with wacky levels later on.

it is just so FRUSTRATING feeling like all the time, i'm getting it wrong, and i'm trying so hard. i am keeping my DAFNE diary and i am writing everything down and i am still getting it WRONG.

there are good days and there are bad days and most of the time at the moment i am having bad days. not necessarily with my mood or anything - just with the levels.

and when i'm high or low, i just *wish* there was another diabetic in the room, just so i didn't feel so alone. i love Dave and he is so sweet and patient, but he doesn't fully understand how it makes me feel. (side note: that is not saying i don't appreciate him, because like when i was low this morning, it was very comforting having him stroke my forehead when i was coming back up. he is wonderful and patient and always asks if he can do anything. and for that i am eternally grateful).